I'm finally on my half term break, (well I have been since Friday but i've been in hibernation for the past two days only coming out to eat occasionally), Friday was an odd day, yet again I thought to myself how much the abuse the LGBT community gets is understated. When I was walking through town to get lunch I recieved yet more odd looks from anyone I passed in a 2m radius with the odd person heckling some term of abuse in my direction, again i've noticed that i'm more likely to get verbal abuse from people in the street when i'm on my own, as soon as i'm with a crowd of people, the transphobic people in the streets suddenly turn a blind eye. I guess it's true when they say "strength in numbers".
However i'm pretty much used to this type of heckling and hostility in the streets, what really surprised me was the actual age of some of the people doing the heckling. My entire life before I realised I was trans I always assumed that eventually society would become more tolerant of other people as bigotted people would eventually die out, much like the dinosaurs. However I failed to realise that many of these people indoctrinate their strange and twisted views into their children. On Friday i was shocked, as when I was waiting for a bus outside of school, I was on my phone texting friends, when two children, who can't have been older than 9 or 10, suddenly shouted "F**king tranny!" in my face, taken aback I just started at them, they then picked up a block of ice (it'd been snowing) and chucked it at my feet before swaggering away. I wasn't particularly bothered by this encounter, it wasn't as if it hadn't happened before, i've had many occasions when mothers with push-chairs or small children in their company had shouted similar forms of abuse, and to be honest I feel incredibly sorry for the children who are in the care of these people, as they aren't being given the chance to form their own opinion as they get older, instead they are being choked on the views of their parents, to put it in a metaphorical sense, being given a magnetised moral compass.
On a slightly lighter note, today has simply been filled with catching up on paperwork and filing, and after a lot of blood, sweat and tears my work does has some resemblance of order now. Sadly my social life isn't as easy to sort through as my paperwork, once again i've been on a date with James. Last night I went around his place, and I curse myself for being so cowardly, I should have told him the truth about myself but I just couldn't, I don't know why, I guess I just didn't want to ruin the fantasy of everything being fine when it's not. However last night was different from the previous date, it wasn't so awkward, we just sat on his coffee brown sofa watching his box-like TV and chatted, it all came so naturally and with ease, I wish that he would still like me once I go through with my transition, but I know he won't in that way anymore.
To add more stress to this already complicated more-than-friends relationship I have with James, I've recieved yet another text from him asking if I wanted to meet up with him at the mall on Friday, and like a fool I said yes. I feel awful because it's like i'm pulling him along, but what else can I do? And I know anyone reading this is probably just thinking "just tell him no!" but it's really not as easy as that, or maybe it is and i'm just over-complicating the matter, but I just feel trapped, and torn between a relationship and inner happiness, and just like that my bubble of concentration is burst as I recieve yet another text as I write this, i'll ignore it for now, i've indulged this sorry love story too much for one day.
To get away from depressing topics, I've finally figured make-up out, I think i'm out of my "coco-the-clown" the stage where I can finally use blusher without looking like a panto figure, make-up and hair are now sorted (hair just needs to grow more), next on my to-do-list is clothes and hormones, hormones being last of all as I still need to think deeply about whether this is what I really want, i'm pretty certain but I just need to think more, because it'd be pretty depressing if after several months HRT I wake up thinking "No change me back!".
Anyway I must go, my phone is buzzing once more with texts from James, deep breaths, wish me luck.
Lots of love,