Sunday, 12 February 2012

Transphobic indoctrination and Weird Texts

Dear Blog,

I'm finally on my half term break, (well I have been since Friday but i've been in hibernation for the past two days only coming out to eat occasionally), Friday was an odd day, yet again I thought to myself how much the abuse the LGBT community gets is understated. When I was walking through town to get lunch I recieved yet more odd looks from anyone I passed in a 2m radius with the odd person heckling some term of abuse in my direction, again i've noticed that i'm more likely to get verbal abuse from people in the street when i'm on my own, as soon as i'm with a crowd of people, the transphobic people in the streets suddenly turn a blind eye. I guess it's true when they say "strength in numbers".

However i'm pretty much used to this type of heckling and hostility in the streets, what really surprised me was the actual age of some of the people doing the heckling. My entire life before I realised I was trans I always assumed that eventually society would become more tolerant of other people as bigotted people would eventually die out, much like the dinosaurs. However I failed to realise that many of these people indoctrinate their strange and twisted views into their children. On Friday i was shocked, as when I was waiting for a bus outside of school, I was on my phone texting friends, when two children, who can't have been older than 9 or 10, suddenly shouted "F**king tranny!" in my face, taken aback I just started at them, they then picked up a block of ice (it'd been snowing) and chucked it at my feet before swaggering away. I wasn't particularly bothered by this encounter, it wasn't as if it hadn't happened before, i've had many occasions when mothers with push-chairs or small children in their company had shouted similar forms of abuse, and to be honest I feel incredibly sorry for the children who are in the care of these people, as they aren't being given the chance to form their own opinion as they get older, instead they are being choked on the views of their parents, to put it in a metaphorical sense, being given a magnetised moral compass.

On a slightly lighter note, today has simply been filled with catching up on paperwork and filing, and after a lot of blood, sweat and tears my work does has some resemblance of order now. Sadly my social life isn't as easy to sort through as my paperwork, once again i've been on a date with James. Last night I went around his place, and I curse myself for being so cowardly, I should have told him the truth about myself but I just couldn't, I don't know why, I guess I just didn't want to ruin the fantasy of everything being fine when it's not. However last night was different from the previous date, it wasn't so awkward, we just sat on his coffee brown sofa watching his box-like TV and chatted, it all came so naturally and with ease, I wish that he would still like me once I go through with my transition, but I know he won't in that way anymore.

To add more stress to this already complicated more-than-friends relationship I have with James, I've recieved yet another text from him asking if I wanted to meet up with him at the mall on Friday, and like a fool I said yes. I feel awful because it's like i'm pulling him along, but what else can I do? And I know anyone reading this is probably just thinking "just tell him no!" but it's really not as easy as that, or maybe it is and i'm just over-complicating the matter, but I just feel trapped, and torn between a relationship and inner happiness, and just like that my bubble of concentration is burst as I recieve yet another text as I write this, i'll ignore it for now, i've indulged this sorry love story too much for one day.

To get away from depressing topics, I've finally figured make-up out, I think i'm out of my "coco-the-clown" the stage where I can finally use blusher without looking like a panto figure, make-up and hair are now sorted (hair just needs to grow more), next on my to-do-list is clothes and hormones, hormones being last of all as I still need to think deeply about whether this is what I really want, i'm pretty certain but I just need to think more, because it'd be pretty depressing if after several months HRT I wake up thinking "No change me back!".

Anyway I must go, my phone is buzzing once more with texts from James, deep breaths, wish me luck.

Lots of love,

From Mia


Monday, 6 February 2012

Make-up and boy problems.

Dear Blog,

For the first time in quite a while Monday doesn't seem to have the same depressing edge that it's had in previous weeks, mainly because it's probably been the first full snow shower all year (excluding saturday).

Today was a bit more interesting than usual, as my therapist has suggested i've tried being more "out" about being transgender and working towards becomming a girl. So. Today I tried to be a bit more flamboyant with my make-up, not so much that I looked like Dame Edna, or "Michael-goes-panto" but enough to easily pass as female. The trouble was, that i'm still wearing male / gender neutral clothing, especially considering the fact that until I start my "proper" female hormones i'm required to conform to school regulations. Anyway to cut a long story short I recieved quite a few odd sideways glances in the street, including when i was in pharmacy "X" (where I buy make-up) a boy of about 5 or 6 shouting "Mummy look at that boy's face!!!" resulting in everyone in a 10 metre radius turning to see this so called "Boy".

During my trip into town to buy make-up it occured to me just how strange the society we live in today is, although the majority of "normal" people out there are able to express their, for want of a better word, warped viewpoint by sneering or giving people dirty looks or even attempting to pass comment supposedly out of ear-shot, the reality is that most people with a bigotted mentality are actually unable to pluck up the courage to say something directly to one's face. I find this even more obvious when i'm with other people, such as my friends, where the glances and sneering and comments almost decease all together. It's this type of social cowardice and perculiar behaviour which show people for who they really are - more scared than ignorant (emphasis on the scared), these people are fearful of what they don't understand and decide to vent this feeling of unease by persecuting those who don't conform to the "norm", and because of this fear and cowardice that these people express, I take an odd satisfaction in the fact that no matter what these people say or think, there's nothing legally they can do to stop me from being who I want to be.

I was thinking of changing where I buy my make-up in future, although the staff appear to be... competant, a particular rather heavy-set woman behind the till has made her dislike for me obvious, glaring at me when I walk in the door or purchase cosmetics (and no i'm not being paranoid i've seen her great people in a much friendlier fashion and the phase "if looks could kill" definitely comes to mind) today making the comment "I've seen you here before, you're that lad who keeps buying all the girl's make-up", chewing her gum in the same way that a cow chews grass with that annoyingly circular, clockwise rotation of the jaw. To which I simply replied "Yes, yes I am." and left it at that. She also has this annoyingly distracting way of heavily sighing when she has to deal with me as a customer, in an almost theatrical, melodramatic way as if i'm somehow an effort. I'm probably whining far too much on this matter, I mean out of all who work at "X" pharmacy she's probably just a needle in a haystack. But still i'd rather not have to deal with her again.

On a slightly brighter note, James texted me today, saying he'd like another date this weekend, to which my mind became slightly divided in terms of reaction, part of me was jumping up and down like a 4-year-old-kid at a carnival who'd eaten too much sugar, full of joy, whereas the other part of me felt like that same child only after a sugar crash and stuck inside when it's raining doing homework. Don't get me wrong, i'd love to be able to spend more time with James, he's fabulous, perfect guy really apart from being slightly too tall, but personally I find that attractive. Anyway, yes, I do like James but there's that little thought of doubt at the back of my mind which says that eventually i'm going to have to tell him the truth, about who I want to be, and what that'd mean for me and him. Sometimes I really wish he could be bisexual instead of gay, I know that sounds a bit stupid but i'm being honest. I just hate having to goose-step around this whole issue, and once again i'm split as to whether I continue to date him or not. Reacting before thinking I texted back say "Yeah sure that'd be fab! :)" but still, I know it won't last.

Anyway I must be off, I have far too much work to do, but i'll blog later.

Lots of love,

from Mia


Sunday, 5 February 2012

Snow, work and bad wigs

Dear blog,

Today is sunday, I would call it "the-morning-after-the-night-before" but sadly as I said yesterday last night was... lets just say awkward and leave it at that.

Sundays are so typical, once again i'm indoors with nothing to do, aside from the ever-growing stack of paper-work on my desk that i've yet to tackle. As I write this I feel slightly disheartened, as I google blogs I have the realisation that there are hundreds and hundreds of trans-blogs already up and running, with much more content aswell, but at the same time I need to think to myself that everyone starts somewhere.

I've been feeling slightly on edge lately, after my friend Andy (otherwise known as Andrea) was outed as FTM transgender by his girlfriend and socially shunned by most of his so-called friends. I realise that once I do transition it's going to be impossible for me to try to live as a real genetic woman, because if i'm intimate with someone, eventually i'm going to be found out, and even if I did go ahead with the final operation I doubt I could keep up a lie about who I really am for so long. I'm probably over-thinking this and worrying far too much, it's just ever since the Andy situation, and after researching the Gwen Araujo murder I realise that society isn't as accepting as I first thought it was. Don't get me wrong i'm sure there are loads of supporting, kind and tolerant people out there, but I now know for a fact that for every tolerant person, there's a bigot hiding in the shadows. Because that doesn't sound odd and super-villain like at all.

Other than staring at the paper work i've yet to do and plucking up the courage to hit "ENTER" when I type in my blog web adress, i've also started hunting for a good wig while my hair is growing. I went down to London the other week to a wig specialist in the west end, I tried a variety of wigs but in all honesty I ended up looking more drag-queen than beauty-queen. The first made me look like the ugly step sister from Cinderella with tight blonde curls tumbling out of my scalp, whilst the second gave the impression that I was the much less attractive and slightly too broad-shouldered sister of Pocahontas, with straight bangs and sides all dyed jet black. Then again i'm probably being a little too critical, the place I went to was more like a party shop with delusions of grandeur rather than a hair specialist. To be fair I am on a budget though, quite a tight one at that and as they say - beggers can't be choosers.

Anyway i'm going to have to bid farewell for today, I must tackle this workload that i've put off for far too long. Hitting the "OFF" button now.

Lots of love from Mia


Saturday, 4 February 2012

The morning after an awkward night

Dear blog,

I've come back from a date with James, ending a lot earlier than I hoped it would, I don't know what I was expecting, but the evening was a bit... well sad frankly, awkward silences, lack of energy etc.

We went out to dinner, his treat (but we ended up splitting the bill because I feel bad if I let someone pay), it was a great meal, atmosphere etc, but we just didn't click. I suppose it's because I haven't told him the truth yet, about who I really am, but then again I have this feeling that if I tell him, he'll leave me, after all he's gay why would he want to date a trans girl? He'll find out soon enough, once i've transitioned, i know it'll be for the best, but part of me wants to remain how I am just to be with him, but I know i'll end up miserable like that.

I was talking with my friend Mel over lunch the other day and she said that she was surprised he hadn't guessed yet, what with the make-up and ever-growing-hair and female haircut to go with it.

Relationships have just become so complicated lately, do I do what my brain tells me, and work on my transition towards going from "Michael" to "Mia" or do I follow my heart and suffer in order to be with the guy who I love?

The whole issue of transgender has made me worry aswell, this is probably a very superficial thought but I worry that once I become "Mia" relationships will be just as complicated because to be truthful a large majority of straight men aren't going to want to deal with the "I-used-to-be-Michael" story.

I probably sound a bit stupid while I write this, and I probably am, I mean why am I worried about relationships when i'm trying to focus on being happy, but then again will I be happier in the wrong body with the man I love? Or will I be happier in the right body with no one?

From Mia.

Friday, 3 February 2012

The Beginning

This is the beginning of the transgender diaries, during these blogs i'm going to write what it's like to grow up as a transgender teen, everything from clothes to make-up to hormones, for the record this is purely MTF transgender (sorry!) enjoy. x

Today has been pretty boring, not much happening as usual, though i've managed to find some fabulous mascara and foundation from boots, I guess it's all simply part of the coming out process. Clothes are still an issue, i've yet to find clothes which are more feminine rather than the gender neutral monstrosities i currently wear.

I've been doing some research and i find it really frustrating that the course to, in my case, becomming a woman is such a long and hard path, then again I suppose the continuous therapy appointments and "trial-runs" of living as a woman acts as a good filter for those who aren't truely transgender, but merely "confused" (for want of a better term).

Anyway there isn't much to say at the moment but i'll update the blog as soon as something interesting happens.

Take care everyone xxx