Dear Blog,
For the first time in quite a while Monday doesn't seem to have the same depressing edge that it's had in previous weeks, mainly because it's probably been the first full snow shower all year (excluding saturday).
Today was a bit more interesting than usual, as my therapist has suggested i've tried being more "out" about being transgender and working towards becomming a girl. So. Today I tried to be a bit more flamboyant with my make-up, not so much that I looked like Dame Edna, or "Michael-goes-panto" but enough to easily pass as female. The trouble was, that i'm still wearing male / gender neutral clothing, especially considering the fact that until I start my "proper" female hormones i'm required to conform to school regulations. Anyway to cut a long story short I recieved quite a few odd sideways glances in the street, including when i was in pharmacy "X" (where I buy make-up) a boy of about 5 or 6 shouting "Mummy look at that boy's face!!!" resulting in everyone in a 10 metre radius turning to see this so called "Boy".
During my trip into town to buy make-up it occured to me just how strange the society we live in today is, although the majority of "normal" people out there are able to express their, for want of a better word, warped viewpoint by sneering or giving people dirty looks or even attempting to pass comment supposedly out of ear-shot, the reality is that most people with a bigotted mentality are actually unable to pluck up the courage to say something directly to one's face. I find this even more obvious when i'm with other people, such as my friends, where the glances and sneering and comments almost decease all together. It's this type of social cowardice and perculiar behaviour which show people for who they really are - more scared than ignorant (emphasis on the scared), these people are fearful of what they don't understand and decide to vent this feeling of unease by persecuting those who don't conform to the "norm", and because of this fear and cowardice that these people express, I take an odd satisfaction in the fact that no matter what these people say or think, there's nothing legally they can do to stop me from being who I want to be.
I was thinking of changing where I buy my make-up in future, although the staff appear to be... competant, a particular rather heavy-set woman behind the till has made her dislike for me obvious, glaring at me when I walk in the door or purchase cosmetics (and no i'm not being paranoid i've seen her great people in a much friendlier fashion and the phase "if looks could kill" definitely comes to mind) today making the comment "I've seen you here before, you're that lad who keeps buying all the girl's make-up", chewing her gum in the same way that a cow chews grass with that annoyingly circular, clockwise rotation of the jaw. To which I simply replied "Yes, yes I am." and left it at that. She also has this annoyingly distracting way of heavily sighing when she has to deal with me as a customer, in an almost theatrical, melodramatic way as if i'm somehow an effort. I'm probably whining far too much on this matter, I mean out of all who work at "X" pharmacy she's probably just a needle in a haystack. But still i'd rather not have to deal with her again.
On a slightly brighter note, James texted me today, saying he'd like another date this weekend, to which my mind became slightly divided in terms of reaction, part of me was jumping up and down like a 4-year-old-kid at a carnival who'd eaten too much sugar, full of joy, whereas the other part of me felt like that same child only after a sugar crash and stuck inside when it's raining doing homework. Don't get me wrong, i'd love to be able to spend more time with James, he's fabulous, perfect guy really apart from being slightly too tall, but personally I find that attractive. Anyway, yes, I do like James but there's that little thought of doubt at the back of my mind which says that eventually i'm going to have to tell him the truth, about who I want to be, and what that'd mean for me and him. Sometimes I really wish he could be bisexual instead of gay, I know that sounds a bit stupid but i'm being honest. I just hate having to goose-step around this whole issue, and once again i'm split as to whether I continue to date him or not. Reacting before thinking I texted back say "Yeah sure that'd be fab! :)" but still, I know it won't last.
Anyway I must be off, I have far too much work to do, but i'll blog later.
Lots of love,
from Mia
xxx
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