I've come back from a date with James, ending a lot earlier than I hoped it would, I don't know what I was expecting, but the evening was a bit... well sad frankly, awkward silences, lack of energy etc.
We went out to dinner, his treat (but we ended up splitting the bill because I feel bad if I let someone pay), it was a great meal, atmosphere etc, but we just didn't click. I suppose it's because I haven't told him the truth yet, about who I really am, but then again I have this feeling that if I tell him, he'll leave me, after all he's gay why would he want to date a trans girl? He'll find out soon enough, once i've transitioned, i know it'll be for the best, but part of me wants to remain how I am just to be with him, but I know i'll end up miserable like that.
I was talking with my friend Mel over lunch the other day and she said that she was surprised he hadn't guessed yet, what with the make-up and ever-growing-hair and female haircut to go with it.
Relationships have just become so complicated lately, do I do what my brain tells me, and work on my transition towards going from "Michael" to "Mia" or do I follow my heart and suffer in order to be with the guy who I love?
The whole issue of transgender has made me worry aswell, this is probably a very superficial thought but I worry that once I become "Mia" relationships will be just as complicated because to be truthful a large majority of straight men aren't going to want to deal with the "I-used-to-be-Michael" story.
I probably sound a bit stupid while I write this, and I probably am, I mean why am I worried about relationships when i'm trying to focus on being happy, but then again will I be happier in the wrong body with the man I love? Or will I be happier in the right body with no one?